Surface Happiness

I came online tonight for the first time in a while with the intention of just checking a few clerical things--emails and bank statement--and then getting down to my grading. But I signed onto AIM, and almost immediately heard from Becky and Jeff. It's been longer than I'd like since I got in touch with Becky, and she invited me to read her blog post for http://www.youngwomenandcatholicism.blogspot.com/. Reading that site, talking to friends and loved ones about how hard it is to keep in contact when we're apart, all brought a nagging realization to the surface.

You see, I've been happy the past few weeks. Enjoying my classes, especially the insight, creativity, and humor of Honors. Visiting my grandparents and older brother for the first time since the summer. Happy. But not content.

I realized today that I've been ignoring little things that have been rubbing at my subconscious. Discontent with the way I look, yet an inability to start doing the things I know I need to in order to lose weight. A sense that I should be managing my money better. The realization that I haven't really cleaned my apartment in a long time. The frustrating realization that I let school take over my life completely; and when it doesn't, I avoid it completely, leading to a lack of balance in my life. Being annoyed that my apartment still isn't decorated, yet I've done nothing about it. Many little things all adding up to the big frustrating question: is this what my life is? Is this all I'm doing?

I'm not sure how to fight this sense of missing something. At the moment I'm hoping it will subside as I talk to friends, and preferably visit them or have them visit me. I just want to be happy--without having it be just a surface happiness.